feast

„will you tell me your name?“ you asked, suddenly shy. finally satisfied we lay there, hot and out of breath. we hadn´t spoken a single word since our eyes had locked for the first time at the bar, many hours ago. me with a black feather mask and hardly any black fabric covering the rest of me, you with little horns on your forehead, yellowish-green lenses and elaborately braided hair down to your waist.

i´m sitting in the garden, smoking. naked. it´s that time of year when everyone wouldn´t stop complaining about the heat, while i am finally reaching  a level of true comfort. it makes me giddy, being able to be naked outside, even at night. love it while it lasts.
ever so slowly, the sky to the east is paling and changing its colors, while on the other side of the horizon the almost full moon still illuminates the dark of night. the birds greet the day like they always do. as if nothing had happened.

instead of talking, we had played a deliciously slow hunting game, both predator and prey at the same time. circling. observing. holding each others gaze from a distance. sniffing each other out while dancing amidst a small group of fairy folk. coming close, almost touching, then backing off pretending nothing had happened. waiting for the right moment to strike.

have the tips of my cigarettes always sizzled that way when i took a pull? i hear that for the first time. my senses seem to be sharpened, every sound touches my ear with an unusual clarity and beauty. i can even hear the silence beneath the sounds. there is a vast stillness inside me, in spite of the ripples i feel running through me, through my very being.
sometimes, after nights like this, i wonder how it can be that everything else is just the way it was: the sun rises. the birds sing. the grass grows. people wake up and go about their usual business. as if nothing had happened.

contemplating that i almost didn´t go. a „magical creature“ motto birthday party, seriously? that was so beneath us, aestetically, intellectually, … but i kept my haughty thoughts to myself, because i love her. in a way, it was also so like M., the glitter, the candy-coloured cocktails, the led-illuminated helium balloons. so i went, regardless of me feeling unsocial that night. it was right next door, after all, so i could drop in and out as i liked. didn´t even have to put on shoes.
the moment i entered the door, i felt my head snap in your direction without any doing of mine. even only seeing you from behind, something clicked inside me and i knew that i would stay longer than i had planned.

so there i was, on a magical birthday party that felt more pleasantly surreal than i had expected. m. and her young lover with floral fairy costumes and pointed ears. s. incarnated as a voluptuous unicorn. i don´t remember much more. my attention was entirely occupied with that young demon over there, giving me unreadable looks.

the right moment came when i realized that i wasn´t the only one with an appetite for you. as sad as it was, – i enjoyed this game so much i could have stretched it endlessly (almost) – there are situations where selfish greed is quite approprate. sharing lovers is a wonderful thing. but tonight, you would be mine and mine alone to take a bite of. or two.
so i witched you away.

„and then this strange, sexy, silent woman all of a sudden just took me by the hand and led me outside, in my socks, cocktail in hand.“, you would later tell our friends, „across a pitchblack yard, through a hidden gate, down a dark, half overgrown path and into another building. there, i found myself in a room all covered in darkblue velvet. she found a place for us amidst a crowd in various stages of nudity and sexual interaction, claiming she wanted more privacy. now if that´s private for her, then - ?“

it then had not occured to me yet that you might be unfamiliar with the concept of a separée ... in my world it is customary at social gatherings to provide some space dedicated for certain activities. you didn´t let it show, though and we immediately started devouring each other. but it soon became evident that we needed much more space than this place could provide.

„and then she took me again, up and up a staircase dimly illuminated by, what? balloons? until finally we came to a small door at the very end of a corridor. it opened into a room under the roof which was completely empty. except for the enormous bed.

and we needed every inch of it.

memory eludes me after that point. i remember it was wild and messy, but not dirty. playful, but not funny. polite, despite ourselves – but only in hindsight.
we entered a reality all of our own, a fantasy realm woven with pure sensation, graceful movements, a delicately oscillating play of dominance and submission,  sighs, moans and body fluids.

i remember you knew what you were doing, despite your youth. what are you? twentyfive?
so much beauty, everywhere. i had loved and desired people of all shapes and forms, but never laid my eyes on anyone so perfect. you looked like a greek stature, no, better yet: stronger. broader. impeccable from the texture of your skin to the soft fur on your sixpack. i briefly considered the nasty possibility that my personal taste corresponds to common beauty standards after all - but then there was the smell, too. all kinds of wonderful smells, the best of them between your legs. i remember burying my head there, not ever wanting to leave this place. you seemed quite flattered.

i remember there was no fucking at all. it didn´t matter. no amount of fucking could have compared to what we did instead. could have compared to your repeated pleading, „kiss me! please…“ (for no reason at all i refused to kiss your lips. it was so worth the waiting). could have compared to the pure life, ever more life, pulsing through me. us.

yes. this.

but what the hell was that?
i have experienced this kind of intensity a few times, but never so pure, so raw, so entirely disconnected to anything consciously premeditated, completely detached from thoughts and words.

the moon is gone now. the first, brand new beams of sunlight flicker through the trees to my left. i light another cigarette.

it had turned out to be a magical night after all, or at least i am lacking a more suitable adjective. don´t want to be associated with the sticky and conspicious people who nowadays connect sex with the mystical and spiritual.

but mysterifying it is, nevertheless.

desire might be explainable by our physiology and instinct alone. it is our nature to pursue carnal pleasures. we are animals after all, down below culture, self-consciousness and good manners.
but then raises the visceral knowledge that it is indeed utterly right and important to pursue this pull. to yield, together, to this unnegotiable force.
and then, out of nothing, there is trust and awe for a stranger, in this case a stranger with no name, no story, not even a real face.
all at once, there is a relationship with no past and future.
love untainted, we might call it. if „love“ wasn´t such an abused word.

„now look at me“, i say to noone in particular (maybe to a past self?). look at me, sitting here, bedazzled and naked, smoking yet another cigarette, because my beating heart is not ready to go to sleep yet, even though i can´t wait to go back to the smell of my bedsheets.

it´s been such a long way here. a rough path with no idea where it would take me, only knowing that i must keep stumbling forward in the dark.
a long way until i realized that pleasure is worthwhile. that life has value. that the present moment actually exists. sometimes i still forget all that for a while. too deep the wounds inside me, too grotesque the reality out there, too overwhelming the confusion.

spirituality does not come easy to me, in spite of my longing to find a context for my existence.
instead, sometimes, under the right circumstances, with a strike of luck, i am able to create a fusion of lust, art and service. with the tip of my tongue, a tender gaze and open ears, with my clitoris. with my skin and dexterous hands, with the right kind of moan in the right moment. my imagination. my surrender.

this is how i pray.

„oh no, my sweet, my handsome. my love. i will not tell you my name.“
thank me later.