lusty
some days are different; not necessarily due to the things that happened in them, but because of a certain luminosity, clarity of perception, and intensity of experience that is hard to forget. they stand out from memory like polished jewels.
this was one such day.
it was summer, hot and bright and tempting. no way i would sit and study at the makeshift desk in my tiny room, or even on our balcony with the busstop directly in front of it. Alas: study i must. or so I thought... what wonderful stroke of luck that we lived only a few minutes from the river.
so here I sit now on my blanket, surrounded by books, print-outs, notebooks and pens, totally determined – or so i thought. despite all good intentions my brain cannot be coaxed to take an interest in contemporary chinese politics. how random and absurdly trivial this stuff seems today. why am I studying that?
resolutely I force that train of thought to change direction: today is not a day for questioning my life decisions. inconvenient enough that, in my mind anyway, rational thought and sensory delight seem to be mutually exclusive. inconvenient enough that the last year of my higher education coincides with my personal summer of love – my personal summer of sex, red wine and neo-swing.
it was about time: five or six years ago i had decided that sex was pointless, the monogamous relationship a pathetic attempt at gaining an illusion of security, and interhuman interaction generally a waste of time. studying for my bachelor´s degree in sinology and religious studies had kept me tremendously busy anyway, the little spare time was spent in my lovely rooftop appartment with my cats, my diary and tv documentaries. my safe haven. my hermitage. my refuge from distractions and trivialities, insecurities and other uncomfortable emotions, from surprises and wasted efforts. from friendship, pleasure, and joy.
and then i moved. moved to that tiny charming thing of a city in order to go for my international master´s degree in chinese studies. naturally, i wanted even more of a challenge now – how else could I keep scraping together those little crumps of self-worth in the form of intellectual achievements?
however, life decided to push me in another direction. hard. love hit me with a bang: first in the form of a platonic soulmate, then a delicate oriental prince captured my heart, followed by the vivacious jazzer, and then came the most colorful and mouth-watering lady I had ever encountered and ever encountered since. polyamory. bdsm. tantra. for months now, i´ve been constantly surfing on a wave of endorphins, dopamins, serotonin and oxytocin, desire circling through my veins, full of a roaring hunger for life as yet unknown to me. it just went on and on. all held together by music.
some seasons in life have their own soundtrack. songs that need to be played on repeat for days and weeks on end, songs that act as time machines even after decades, able to instantly catapult you back into situations, sensations, emotions, embraces, ...
due to a consistent lack of money there was little music in my life up until now. now my circle of friends exchanges whole harddrives full of their favorites. what a fabulous coincidence that our tastes overlap to a large degree.
this specific song that´s been playing in my head all day comes from the oriental prince. perhaps i should take a break?
all alone … in this heat … my thoughts … start to wander ...
sings the familiar female voice while i float, naked breasts turned up towards the sun. smooth, cool water against my skin, almost a caress. soothing silence when my ears are under water. golden sunlight filtering through lush green leaves. the occasional dragonfly leisurely passing by. sometimes two dragonflies, hooked into each other in an aerobatic act of copulation.
i am lonesome in this world … my hands start to long for … your skin …
my inner conscientious student tries one last time to remind me of the class i need to prepare for, before i let myself slip into this enticing trance. whatever could be more important than THIS?
my body and soul have been petrified for far too long. am i not justified, even obligated to savour this kind of moment, to suck all the sweet nectar out of it – this exquisite sensation of being alive, breathing, feeling, all senses exquisitely responsive to the rapture of pure sensation?
all i know is that the world around me suddenly feels far more benign. i´ve never felt quite comfortable, never quite at home here, on the incarnational side of things. unable to grasp why it should be worthwhile, this being alive, i spent years ruminating on the meaning of it all.
what nonsense… hello, depression.
carefully i move out of the water to lie on the grass, letting the hot sun and a silky breeze dry the drops on my hypersensitized skin. breathing deeply, sinking into the warm ground and into a softly glowing space inside me which i have never taken time to explore. the sound of water lazily lapping around the curves of the riverbank. the smell of grass and sweat and soil. it is hard to keep myself from writhing with pleasure, to remember there´s people around.
and the sun burns my skin … but it's outside and in, it's burning …
now my inner conscientious student wants me to be embarrassed by the fact that i, a grown-up woman, instead of investing in an outstanding academic career, am waisting my precious time lying around here, wet and horny.
not horny, i retort. horny implies an object, a strategy and a goal. horny wants swollen genitalia and a flow of tasty juices. horny seeks to take something in: gratification. appreciation. satisfaction.
but this is different: pure, melted power bubbling up inside me, spreading and flowing out again. it just is. it wants nothing but to be cherished and, possibly, shared.
everything seems to be zooming in, colors turning vivid, almost lustrous; each blade of grass, each little pebble, each bug standing out sharply. they seem to greet me, in their respective ways.
my mouth starts to long for your kiss … your kiss ...
the drumbeat throbbing all the way through my body, deep down to the depths.
i want you in my reach … oh, the things i'd do to you … i touch you when i close my eyes …
can´t claim there are no people on my mind, but this is more like having sex with the music, the river, the sun and the sky, with the earth – with everything. is this what they call a mystical experience? or has it always been this way, only went unnoticed?
i know nothing about mysticism. and, i realize now, neither do i know much about sex. all i know right now is that in my twisted juvenile arrogance i have missed out on a plethora of reasons to be alive.
so this is happening now: it took me 27 years of incarnation to get in touch with the juicy and titillating aspects of biology. it´s the immediacy of carnal pleasures that kicks my ass out of overthinking and the futile endeavor of acquiring some validation.
hello, hedonism.
only you can soothe me … come cool me down
what time is it?
fuck contemporary chinese politics. my prince should be home by now.
let´s go.
